The Perils of MarySues
by purplediamond7
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow confronts the most dangerous enemy of all... a MarySue! Okay, now a lot more than one!
1. The Terror of the Caribbean

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: If I owned PotC, Jack would not have died in the second movie...

"Help! Help!"

The cry came from the drowning craft. Jack wheeled around and pulled out his spyglass, looking through it toward the ship. There, at the very top of the mast, right under the flag of the _Jolly Roger_, was a figure in white with golden hair. The cry came from her.

"Get me a boat!" Jack cried.

"The boat got a hole knocked into the side, Cap'n!" Gibbs yelled. "And the other one was left on the Isla de Muerta."

Jack swore, and dived into the water, going for the ship. He managed to climb on deck and up the mast in minutes. Now he could see that the girl had her wrists tied to the mast, so that she couldn't escape. She was exceptionally pretty. Jack stopped, almost reaching her. Hard though it was for him to resist a pretty girl, he knew that Mary-Sues were dangerous. Very dangerous. They try to make Jack fall in love with them, and flirt worse than Jack does himself. He didn't want anymore eyelashes batted in his direction, or anymore empty gorgeous faces leaning into him for a kiss. He started climbing down again.

"No!" the Mary-Sue shrieked. "Please! Help me!"

Jack hesitated. "What's your name?" he asked. You can always tell a Mary-Sue by her name. The longer her name, the more dangerous she is.

"I'm Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine June Guenivere Cordelia Gladys Cassandra Roxane July Hermione Rose Amber August Persephone-"

Jack was horrified. That was one long name. And she was still going.

"-Pearl Serena Delphine Romola Igraine Calypso Iris Narcissa Morgana Elaine Vivian Cassiopeia Iphigenia Rowena Belinda Arethusa-"

Jack was frozen in terror. This one must be vicious.

"-Philomela Cynthia Rosalind Galatea Celia Cleopatra Gertrude Alcmena Demeter Clementina Helena Cybel-"

"Enough!" Jack cried, and started scrambling down the mast. "Stay away from me! Just-just die! Don't ever bother me!"

And he jumped into the water, and started swimming back to the _Pearl_ for his life. He told Gibbs to make sure the ship was going as fast as it possibly could and spent the rest of the day hiding in his cabin. By next morning, he judged that it was safe enough to come out. He hoped that Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine- well, the Mary-Sue was safely dead. Jack leaned against the rigging with a bottle of rum, savoring his life with no Mary-Sues. Just then, someone climbed over the the side of the ship. Jack nearly passed out. It was the Mary-Sue! She strode directly up to him and slapped his across the face.

"Jack!" she screamed. "How could you abandon me? How could you leave me to drown?"

"Very easily," Jack told her, rubbing his stinging cheek. The Mary-Sue looked horrified.

"Aren't you going to ask me to forgive me, then kiss me, then take me to your cabin so that we can-"

"No!" Jack cried. "By the way, you should cut your name down."

"Oh, you can call me Donna."

"Donna? Why?"

"Because Belladonna is in the middle of my name. You see, my whole name is Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine June Guenivere Cordelia Gladys Cassandra Roxane July Hermione Rose Amber August Persephone Pearl Serena Delphine Romola Calypso-"

Jack groaned and then jumped up. She didn't notice, she was too busy reciting her name. The only way to render a Mary-Sue harmless was to make her say her name, because while she says it, she doesn't notice anything that goes on around her. She was still reciting her name and still hadn't gotten to Belladonna. Jack hurriedly shoved her overboard. And that, he hoped, would finish her off.

Please review! Tell me if I should keep going with this one!


	2. Another One!

**Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: How many times do I have to tell you? I don't own these characters.

Another One!

Melody was leaning against the rail of the _Wavesailor_, happily staring out into the horizon. She was extremely beautiful. She had long black hair and long curling eyelashes. Her eyes were a lovely green color. She thought it looked very distinguished and charming. She was, of course the captain of the _Wavesailor_.

Obviously, she had a large crew who all adored her... Well, up until the point there were going to mutiny for no reason at all. As they were about to do now.

While Melody (her name was really Harmony Melody Beatrice Helen (some people liked calling her Helen of Troy because she was so dazzlingly beautiful, ignoring the fact that Helen of Troy was fair) Wannabe-Sparrow) was brushing her long hair at night, her crew turned on her, for no good reason, or so she thought. Really, they were sick of all this. They were being captained by a girl. They weren't even proper pirates. Whatever you say, it's a sexist world.

"Harmony Melody Beatrice Helen Wannabe-Sparrow!" called her first mate named James (no, not Norrington).

"What?" she asked, relishing the sound of her enormously long name.

"We have decided that you are no longer our captain," he announced.

"What?!" asked Melody again, though in quite a different tone from last time. In fact, she screamed it. As her crew knew, she was horribly prone to hysterics.

The crew, having too much experience with her hysterics, simply threw her overboard before she could protest. Very unfortunately, she could swim. If she couldn't swim, her story might have stopped then and there.

Again unfortunately, just at this point, the _Black Pearl_ came by. Jack, naturally could not very easily leave a girl out in the middle of the ocean. So they took her on board.

"Oh, thank you for rescuing me!" cried Melody. "I'm Harmony Melody Beatrice Helen Wannabe-Sparrow."

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack said, obviously not catching Melody's last name.

"Oh!" cried Melody. "You are the love of my life!" she paused. "Oh, wait, I'm supposed to hate you! Sorry. Let me start all over again. Jack Sparrow!" she shrilled. "I hate you so much! I never want to see you again! How dare you even talk to me!"

"What did I do?" asked Jack, bemused.

"Ummmm... You killed my cousin last year!" Melody invented wildly.

"Fine," Jack said. "If that's the thanks I get for rescuing you, you might be better off back in the water."

"But-- But," Melody stuttered. "Aren't you going to ask me to forgive you for killing my cousin? After which I'm going to sulk and scream for a few minutes, then forgive you. We'll kiss and make up and then we can go to you cabin and--"

Jack should have known. "No!" he cried. This was horribly, nightmarishly familiar. He wondered if the other Mary-Sue had died. Then he seemed to remember something strange about the girl's last name.

"Wait, what did you say your last name was?"

"Wannabe-Sparrow," Melody answered promptly. "But I'll be changing it to Sparrow soon, won't I?"

"No you will not!" Jack yelled.

The Mary-Sue tried a different tack.

"Oh, Jack," she sighed. "You are so bad at pretending you don't love me." She breathed the last few words and leaned into Jack. He surreptitiously drew his sword and hit Melody over the head with the hilt while she was trying to kiss him... Kind of killing her.

A/N: I hope this chapter lived up to people's expectations! Mary-Sues are fun... to torture! Please review! I'll give you figurative ice cream.


	3. Impossible!

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: If I owned Pirates of the Caribbean all you read about would be in the movie!

A/N: Thanks to sparrowhawkgirl for this idea!

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up one morning with the feeling that something was going to happen. Something rather unpleasant. He couldn't understand why. They were going to Tortuga today. Nothing bad could possibly happen in Tortuga. Right?

The _Black Pearl_ put in at Tortuga and Jack went to his favorite pub at once.

"Jack Sparrow!" a voice shrilled behind him.

"Captain, _Captain _Jack Sparrow," Jack corrected wearily as he turned, expecting a slap. His expectation was satisfied. He was face-to-face with a blonde girl of about fourteen. Why was she slapping him. He had never seen her before in his life.

"What?" Jack asked indignantly. "Listen, love, I've never even seen you before."

"That's the whole point!" the girl cried.

"Nice way to offer your services," Jack exclaimed.

"That's not what I meant! I'm your daughter!" she cried.

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, my name is Jacklyn Sparrow."

Then Jack's reasoning kicked in.

"You can't be my daughter," he said slowly.

"Why not?" she demanded.

"Well, for one thing, you have blonde hair. Mine is black."

For the first time, Jacklyn hestated. "My mother's side of the family all have blonde hair," she said, unconvincingly.

"Who was your mother?" Jack asked.

She hesitated again. "You wouldn't remember her," she said. "Like you keep track,"

"I might remember her. What was her name?"

"Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine-"

"Shut up!" Jack cried. "I know who she is and I killed her! And there was _nothing_ between us!"

"Then how did she have me?" Jacklyn demanded.

"Maybe you should ask her," Jack suggested. "Wait! Do you mean that she's alive?"

"Yes, she most certainly is!"

"Oh, no!" Jack groaned. "Listen, your mother and I didn't do _anything_. Well, except for yelling at each other. We certainly didn't do anything that might involve having _you_!"

"Oh, you don't mean that," Jacklyn said. "Come on, face it! You know you're my father. There's no way around it, Jack. You might as well accept it. And then you can learn to love me (as a daughter) and embrace me and take me aboard your ship and make me your first mate and-"

"No!" Jack cried. "I will do none of those things because you are _not_ my daughter. And even if you were, I wouldn't do that."

"But-" Jacklyn started, but Jack shoved her backwards into a conveniently-placed well.

A/N: Please review!


	4. Will's Sister

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: If I owned Pirates of the Caribbean... There would have been no second movie.

Captain Jack Sparrow had been a happy man for a whole fortnight. Then William and Elizabeth Turner turned up. But of course, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that tall woman with blonde hair and brown eyes turned up along with them.

"'Ello, whelp," Jack politely greeted Will.

"Hello, Jack," Will answered, sounding tired.

"Are you going to introduce me?" Jack asked, gesturing to the pretty blonde.

Before Will or Elizabeth could say a word, the girl in question stepped forward.

"I'm Wilhelmina Turner," she introduced herself, "I'm Will's sister,"

"So she says," Will muttered.

"Don't you remember me?" Will's "sister" asked Jack.

"I've never seen you before in me life," Jack said.

"Of course you have," Wilhelmina said. "I'm betrothed to you," she informed Jack. "Don't you remember?"

"No," Jack said, with the air of one resigned to torment.

"Bootstrap Bill Turner wanted his daughter to marry Captain Jack Sparrow, so here I am!"

"Bootstrap wouldn't do that sort of thing to me!" Jack cried.

"He told me to come and find you when I turn eighteen," Wilhelmina said. "Now, are you going to put in at the nearest port so we can get married? And meanwhile, we can start out married life," she whispered, in a voice she thought sounded seductive.

"No," Jack said flatly. Will put a hand on Jack's shoulder and steered him away from Wilhelmina.

"Jack," Will said confidingly. "She's not my sister,"

"I didn't think for a moment that she was," Jack said.

"What do you mean?" Will asked.

"You see, William," Jack said. "Recently I have been plagued by vicious, violent, and merciless creatures known as Mary-Sues. That girl is one of them. She simply passed herself off as your sister to get at me."

"Oh," Will said. "Well, that explains a great deal. What'll we do with her?"

"I have no idea," Jack said. "The only thing I know is that she can't be left on the ship overnight with my cabin door unlocked. Actually, locked would be dangerous too,"

"That bad?" Will asked.

"That bad," Jack said.

"Is there any land nearby?" Will asked.

"No, just an uninhabited island..." Jack trailed off with a dreamy expression.

"What?" Will asked.

"I know," Jack said.

Half an hour later they were coming in sight of said uninhabited island.

"I've never seen that island," Jack lied. "I'd better go down and see what's on it,"

The Mary-Sue fell into the trap. "Oh, can I come?" she cried.

"I don't see why not," Jack said.

As they were rowing out, "Wilhelmina" said,

"If the island is uninhabited, we can populate it, can't we, Jack?"

"Sure," Jack said, feeling disgusted.

Everyone on board the _Black Pearl_ watched Jack and "Wilhelmina" get out of the boat, fearing for Jack's safety.

Five minutes later, Jack was rowing back towards the _Pearl_. He climbed on board and they looked back to the island. In two minutes, Will's so-called sister ran out of the jungle, waving at the ship to come back.

Everyone smirked.

Please review!


	5. Advice

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: Did you see this in the movie?

**Advise**

"Jack," it was Will's voice. Jack felt thankful that it wasn't female. He's had enough of the female population of the world for a while.

"Aye, whelp?" Jack answered, turning to look at his friend.

"I need your help," Will pleaded.

"With what?"

"You remember the Mary-Sues?"

Jack shuddered. Of course he did. He nodded.

"Well, there are a some after me now!" Will said, in a horrified whisper. Jack nodded knowledgeably.

"They just can't get it into their heads that I'm married to Elizabeth," Will went on, "they're trying to persuade me to have secret affairs, or keep rambling about something called a 'divorce'... How do I get rid of them?"

"I don't know," Jack confessed. "I usually make something up on the spot... How many are there?"

"At least ten," Will answered.

"Horrible," Jack said, "How may women are attracted to people like you."

Will looked rather hurt.

"Well, bring them along," Jack proposed. "Maybe I can do something."

Half an hour later, Will came back with probably twelve girls with hair and eyes of varying colors, but the same empty expressions on their faces. They were all staring avidly at Will.

Then they caught sight on Jack. NOT GOOD!

"Will was hot," one of them said. "But this one is so much hotter!" and they all threw themselves (figuratively) upon Jack. He ran. No, more precisely, he bolted.

"Thanks, Jack!" Will shouted after Jack and the pursuing Mary-Sues.

A/N: Well, I hope everyone liked it! I'm sorry I took so long about it! Please review and get your figurative ice cream!


	6. Mae Gem

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Declaimer: If I owned PotC, would I really be doing this?

**Mae Gem**

Tortuga. That was the only place to go. Jack decided that Tortuga would help. And he definitely needed help. He was still breathing rather heavily from having run five miles from Will's Mary-Sues. While he had met some Sues in Tortuga, it was still safer than any other place. So Tortuga was where they set their course.

When they came to the "Stronghold of Rum" as Jack liked to mentally call Tortuga, the whole crew was off to "celebrate" in a matter of seconds, though exactly what they were celebrating was left conveniently unknown.

Jack himself thought that "celebrating" in a bar with lot of rum might be the best, and maybe somewhere with female company later… So, off to the bar he went. By the time he was on his third glass of rum, a blonde girl came over. She had a red dress, rather open at the front… but of course, that was what Jack was after. She climbed into Jack lap almost idly and sat playing with one of the trinkets in his hair. She was oddly quiet, but that didn't matter. Jack didn't choose girls for what they said. Common politeness, however, might be a good idea, Jack decided.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Mae Gem," she answered, and peered into his face expectantly, as though she thought he would do something drastic upon hearing her name.

"Nice name," Jack commented off-handedly, and Mae Gem looked let down.

"Well, come on," she said to Jack.

It was very early next morning when Jack was woken up by Mae Gem crying. He hated being woken up early, especially this morning, when he had a horrible hangover. _Well, what else could he expect after four glasses of rum?_ He reflected dully. _But why was this blasted girl crying?_

"What's wrong?" Jack demanded. She didn't answer. She just sobbed even more hysterically.

Jack repeated his question. She raised her tearstained face. The paint she had put on her face was running, making her look like a pretty nightmare.

"Oh, Jack!" she wailed, throwing her arms around Jack. He wasn't surprised at her knowing his name, most girls in Tortuga did.

"I-I" she sobbed, "I can't believe you don't remember me!"

"Remember you?" Jack asked.

"Yes," she cried. "Don't you remember that night last year when you first saw me? I know I'll never forget it! Oh, I loved you from the moment and I shall love you when I lie dying!"

Something horrible, like the Loch Ness Monster raising its head out of the water, stirred in Jack's mind. It couldn't be… Not here! Not now…

A MARY-SUE!!!!!!!!!!

Jack's heart beat wildly. He jumped out of bed and threw an almost-full wallet at the Mary-Sue. It was much more than she was worth, but it was worth considerably more than that money to get away from her!

Jack bolted outside. Thankfully, most of Tortuga was still asleep. He ran down to his ship without looking back. When he was finally in the safe shadow of the _Black Pearl_ he dared to look back. She wasn't there. Jack breathed a sigh of relief.

"Jack!" called a voice.

Jack's heart sank.

A/N: Well, there it is! Please review! I'll give you imaginary rum!


	7. Jack Abuse on the High Seas

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: Aren't you happy I'm not the one who own Pirates of the Caribbean and inflicting all these tortures on Jack? By the way, notice that I finally wrote 'disclaimer'. I always wrote 'declaimer' for some stupid reason. I would _think_ 'disclaimer' and write 'declaimer'. Okay, finished now!

**Jack Abuse on the High Seas**

Jack wondered how much more he would have to endure. He decided that if he saw another Mary-Sue, he would commit emergency suicide. He wasn't exactly sure what emergency suicide would be, but it sounded like a very… emergency measure.

But for two whole days, Jack blissfully drowned his woes in rum. Yes, rum helped with everything. That was Jack's number one rule. Not really, but anyways, Jack was drunk enough not to think coherently, let alone decide what his number one rule was.

"Cap'n," asked Gibbs from the doorway to his cabin.

Jack looked up. "What's the trouble?" he said, impressed by the fact that he wasn't slurring much.

"We have a stowaway."

Jack stood up and staggered. When he finally found something resembling balance and came with Gibbs to see the stowaway.

She was fighting five sailors trying to restrain her. Jack came over and screamed at her to stop it. Eventually, she stopped her struggles and Jack saw that she was a tall girl with tawny hair and suntanned skin.

"Who are you and what are doing on my ship?" Jack demanded.

"None of your business!" the girl cried.

"This is my ship, love," Jack informed her. "So maybe you'll care to tell me what your name is?"

"I'm Persephone Barbossa," she announced proudly.

"Why Persephone?" Jack asked.

"Because our family favors ancient Greek names," Persephone Barbossa announced. "Anyways, my father was your mutinous first mate – "

"Your father was Barbossa?!" Jack asked incredulously.

"Yes," she answered emphatically. "And I hate him and I've come to help you… and seduce you," she added in a wishful whisper.

Jack's heart stopped, but not in love, as the Mary-Sues hoped. No, his heart stopped in horror. The kind of horror you get when you watch Alfred Hitchcock movies. The only difference between watching Hitchcock movies and being Jack in the current situation was that Jack was actually part of this particular horror story.

"I don't think so," Jack told her, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Oh, I know that it'll be an uphill road, but I'm up to the challenge! There's nothing I can't do!"

"Look, do us a favor," Jack asked, "Just leave my ship and don't come back,"

"Oh, but – but Jack, I love you!" she exclaimed. "Jack, I was abused as a child! Barbossa is such an abusive bastard! Please Jack, at lease pity me! When I grew up I ran away from him and got my own ship, and my father came along and stole it! He tried to sell me into slavery, but I ran away! And Jack, I'm – I'm suicidal! Yes, I'm never told anyone that before, but I can't help it! You don't want me to die, do you, Jack?"

"Believe it or not," Jack said. "But that's exactly what I want."

"Oh, Jack, how could you? How could you reject my starved but loving heart? Oh, I can't believe it! There's nothing left for me!"

And with that, she jumped over the side. Fortunately, they were in the middle of the ocean.

"Good riddance," Jack declared, reflecting thankfully that _he_ wasn't the one committing suicide.

A/N: I hope you guys liked it! Please review and I'll give you imaginary ice cream and rum!


	8. Jack Evolves as a Character

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: Disney stole it all from me!!!

**Jack Evolves as a Character and Seeks Help**

Jack wished that more Mary-Sues would be suicidal. How easy it would make his life! They would just kill themselves instead of him. But, most unfortunately, Mary-Sues were generally incredibly healthy and, though definitely not sane, were not suicidal. That made Jack's situation a very grave one.

And as Jack leaned against the railing, contemplating his problem, he greatly evolved as a character. He realized that rum wouldn't help. That was the first time in his life that rum couldn't help him with a problem. No, not even in the seven seas were full in rum instead of water, it wouldn't help him now.

When Jack realized this, he was so surprised, he nearly fell over the side of the ship.

How was he going to deal with a problem that couldn't be solved by rum? He couldn't deal with it alone! He needed help! He needed help urgently! As in NOW!

Jack rushed into Ana Maria's cabin to see her. She was a reliable canon character, nothing like these horrible Mary-Sues.

"Ana," he gasped, "I need your help!"

"With what?" asked Ana Maria.

Just then, they heard frightened sobbing on deck. Without another word, they came out to see what was going on.

A small, frail-looking woman was standing in the middle of the deck, surrounded by the crew. She was crying inconsolably. She didn't look very much like a Sue, so Jack approached cautiously.

"She was found aboard ship, Cap'n," Gibbs informed him.

"Who are you?" Jack asked, still rather cautious.

"I – I'm run – running away from m – my abusive husband!" she cried, wailing, if possible, even louder than before. She did indeed look very ill. "I stumbled on this ship by accident!"

Then she looked up and saw Jack. A very evil, decidedly inhuman light appeared in her flooded black eyes.

"You're Captain Jack Sparrow, aren't you?" she asked. Jack took a step back.

"Yes, why?"

"Because – I love you!" she cried.

Jack felt the familiar chill of horror and didn't get out of the way fast enough. The Mary-Sue jumped forward and flung her thin arms around his neck with a strength amazing for a sick woman.

"Get her off me! Get her off me!" Jack wailed. "Ana! Ana Maria! Please help me! Do something! I NEED HELP!!!!!"

Ana Maria, after much effort, detached the abused Sue from Jack. Apparently, this one didn't have any aversions to abusing other people after being abused herself. But, on the other hand, canon character cannot fathom the horrible shallow minds of Mary-Sues. And yes, that's an oxymoron.

"But I love you!" the Mary-Sue wailed. "Please, save me! Oh no! He's coming! Save me! Hide me! It's my husband!"

Everyone looked around to see a rather small man, looking weak and ill, even more so than his wife, and not looking capable of abusing anyone, even a fly.

"Excuse me," he said, addressing himself to Jack. "I am afraid that my wife has a severe case of Mary-Sue disorder. I am very sorry if she had caused any inconvenience. I hoped I had seen the worst when Albus Dumbledore sent her back with a note to never return her attached to her wrist. Apparently she tried her luck with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in turn. Come on, Ellie," he said to his wife, putting an arm kindly around her.

Still hiccupping, she followed him away.

"So, Jack," Ana Maria said. "What did you need my help with?"

A/N: Well, did you guys like it? I haven't been getting many reviews recently, so if I don't get enough, I'll drop this story! Don't say I didn't warn you! As usual, I'll give you imaginary ice cream and rum if you review!


	9. Horror for Norrington

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: Oh, yes, I own Pirates of the Caribbean! It's all mine! Disney? What are you talking about?

**Horror for Norrington and an Unlikely Alliance**

**A/N: A new chapter, in loving memory of our favorite Commodore, back in the day when he was still alive!**

Norrington came out of his office, feeling preoccupied, and nearly ran into a girl standing just outside it. He looked at her. She was about a head shorter than him, with brown hair arranged in an infinitely complex style on her head, a light pink dress with innumerable ruffles, a similarly colored and ruffled parasol and gloves, and huge blue eyes with extraordinarily long eyelashes, which she batted at Norrington.

"Hello," she said, in a breathy voice, with a very pronounced English accent. "I don't believe we've been introduced, but my father has told me all about you. I'm Luna Moonshine," she introduced herself, and swept a very elegant curtsy.

"I – I'm Commodore James Norrington," he said, awkwardly.

"I know…" she breathed, and lifted her hand for him to kiss. He kissed it and she advanced another step, and another, until she almost leaned against him, engulfing him with a strong odor of French perfume.

"Would you like to come into my office – " BIG MISTAKE!

She swept in ahead of him and the second he closed the door, threw herself upon him. Poor Norrington was nearly suffocated with her ardent kisses. Panicking, he managed to disentangle himself from her dress and ran.

When he was out of the door, he ran into none other than Captain Jack Sparrow himself. In this crucial moment, even Jack seemed like a good old friend.

"Jack!" he gasped. "Help me!"

"What's going on?" Jack asked, looking bewildered.

"In there – " Norrington gasped pointing at the door. Jack opened it carefully, then slammed in closed hastily.

"That'd be a Mary-Sue, mate," he said. "Don't know why they'd go for you, though… But hey, a lot went for Will… Until they saw me, that is!"

"Can you get rid of her?" Norrington asked.

"Well, no one's yet figured how, but…" Jack trailed off.

"I know!" he cried. "Let's start an anti-Mary-Sue alliance! Will you join?"

"Of course, if it means, no more problems like these," Norrington agreed, gesturing to the door.

"Great!" Jack exclaimed, sounding excited. "Let's get Will and Elizabeth to join!"

Please review! I'll give you figurative rum!


	10. The Quest for the Essence of Canon

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: The Great and Powerful Mouse has spoken. (It owns Pirates of the Caribbean)

**The Quest for the Essance of Canon**

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated for a while, but don't let that prevent you from reviewing! Hope you like this chapter!**

Jack, Will, Norrington, Elizabeth, Gibbs, and Ana Maria were all sitting around a table in the Turner's house. They were the anti-Mary-Sue alliance.

"I think we need a good name," Elizabeth suggested.

"The Society for the Protection of Canon Characters," Will suggested.

"The Anti-Out of Character Organization," Norrington suggested.

"The Mary-Sue Slayers," Ana Maria suggested, feeling bloodthirsty.

"The Association for the Preservation of Canon," Jack suggested.

"Well, the Society for the Protection of Canon Character doesn't really work, as we really _are_ the canon characters, so we might as well call it the Society for the Protection of Ourselves, which sounds hopelessly selfish. The Anti-Out of Character Organization doesn't really fit in, as _we_ aren't out of character. The Mary-Sue Slayers, I would go for, except that it makes us sound very vicious. I really think the Association for the Preservation of Canon is the best option." Elizabeth proclaimed.

Jack got up and bowed.

"We need to find some way of stopping the Mary-Sues," he said, as he sat down.

"Mary-Sues are sort of like rats," Will observed. "They're really annoying, and they're everywhere. And if you give rats poison, they'll die."

"What are you driving at?" Jack asked.

"We need to think of something that will be like poison to the Mary-Sues," Will said.

"As no one seems to have a better idea," Norrington said, "let's go with that."

"What would Mary-Sues hate?" Elizabeth wondered.

"Dirt," Ana Maria suggested.

"No, the shipwrecked Sues probably wouldn't," Jack argued. "The high-society ones probably would, though."

"Nail polish?"

"What?"

"Well, no one likes the smell of nail polish," Norrington said.

"I do," Elizabeth argued.

"Fine, forget the nail polish."

For a while, there was dead silence.

"What do Mary-Sues hate?" Will asked. "I mean, really, really hate?"

"That's easy," Norrington said. "Canon."

"That it!" Jack cried. "We need the Essence of Canon!"

Silence again. Then Elizabeth said, trying to sound reasonable,

"Jack, there's no such thing,"

"Oh, yes, there is!" Jack proclaimed. "Elizabeth, when you kiss Will, how do you feel?"

"What?!" Elizabeth cried. "Jack, how I feel when I kiss my husband is entirely off topic!"

"No, it isn't!" Jack exclaimed. "No, seriously!"

"Jack, did you suddenly decide to become a psychiatrist?" Will asked, sounding mildly concerned.

"No!" Jack cried indignantly.

"Well," Elizabeth said slowly. "It feels seems to very much fit into the grand scheme of things when I kiss Will. It feels _right_. Besides feeling wonderful and – "

"Exactly!" Jack yelled. "How did you feel when you kissed me?"

"Really off, and wrong."

"See, that's the essence of Out of Characterness!"

"I think I actually see what you're driving at, Sparrow," Norrington said slowly.

"Well, I don't!" Will shouted. "I don't see what Elizabeth and me kissing has to do with anything!"

"Look, it was just an example!" Jack said. "You haven't really done anything Out of Character, so you might not understand!"

"So, how are we going to find the Essence of Canon?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't think we need to find it," Jack said. "If the Mary-Sues see you and Will kissing, they'll probably get away from Will. See what I mean?"

"Yes,"

"No," said Will and Elizabeth simultaneously.

"Let's just give it a try," Jack suggested.

**Please review! I'll give you figurative rum!**


	11. The Powers of a Kiss

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: Oh, yes, I own Pirates of the Caribbean! Disney? What are you talking about?

**The Powers of a Kiss**

**also known as Make Love, Not War**

The Mary-Sues were coming. Their approach was almost palpable. The Association for the Preservation of Canon was officially scared.

Then they appeared. One after another, Sue after Sue after Sue. Jack, Will, Norrington, Elizabeth, Ana Maria, and Gibbs were petrified. No, they really were. They couldn't move from shock.

"Will?" Elizabeth whimpered in a tremulous voice. "Will?"

"I – I'm right here, darling," Will responded, sounding like he wasn't at all sure of it himself.

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"Will?" It was Jack this time. Only it didn't sound much like Jack's voice. It was just a terrified whisper. He sounded even more scared then Elizabeth. But of course, that was understandable, as he had had some truly traumatizing experiences with Mary Sues.

"Will, do you happen to believe in God?" Jack asked.

"Jack, I don't think this is the time to discuss ethics." Will suggested.

"I wasn't going to discuss ethics. I was actually going to suggest that you pray for our salvation."

Will fell to his knees and started praying fervently. Norrington followed his example. Gibbs, Jack, and Ana Maria weren't religious, so they watched the Sues in hypnotized horror. Elizabeth, who was religious, would have been praying, if she hadn't been too scared to move.

Then Jack decided to try their theory about the Essence of Canon out.

"Will!" he called.

And received no answer.

"Will!"

No answer.

"WILL!"

"Look, I'm trying to pray for our salvation over here, and you're distracting me?" He sounded irritated.

"Well, I don't think God is listening, so will you please stop praying and kiss Elizabeth?"

"What?"

"The Essence of Canon theory? Remember?"

"Jack, this really isn't the time to indulge your insane whims," Will stated flatly and went back to praying.

"Will, PLEASE! Our very SURVIVAL might depend upon it! Now will you PLEASE stop praying and kiss your wife?"

"Fine," Will said, getting up.

Jack saw that the Sues were alarmingly close. There were hundreds of them. No, thousands.

Will, meanwhile, kissed Elizabeth passionately. They both realized that it might be their last kiss.

The Sues in the front vanished. With a very loud BOOOOOOOM!

"I WAS RIGHT!" Jack shouted, doing a victory dance. "I WAS RIGHT!"

Then he realized that the kiss hadn't destroyed all the Sues. Not even half. Not even a quarter. And no more Sues were vanishing. It was clear that Will and Elizabeth needed some help.

Jack grabbed Ana Maria and kissed her for all he was worth.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! went the Sues around them. But even that kiss was beginning to lose power.

Then Jack, as is usual, had a very brilliant idea.

**A/N: Oooooh, cliffie!!! I've actually got Jack's brilliant idea figured out, which is very unusual for me. Usually with me cliffhangerI don't know what to do now. Anyways, please review! I'll give you figurative rum!**


	12. The Defeat

**The Perils of Mary-Sues**

Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. If I did... let's just say it would be a disaster.

**The Defeat**

**A/N: I'm really sorry it's short! I have no excuse to offer... I'll tell you if I think of one!**

Jack looked around and saw the conveniently-placed rock nearby. The Sues were nearly upon them, and he climbed onto the rock.

"Wait!" he called, shouting as loudly as he could. "You want me, right?"

His words were met with screams of approval. Jack shuddered as he thought of what would happen if the Sues ever got their hands on him. Hopefully they wouldn't.

Then he noticed that some Sues were shouting "WILL!", others "JAMES!" and a few were shouting "DAVY!". Jack looked away in horror only to spot a couple yelling "CUTLER!". Shuddering again, Jack said,

"Or Will, or James, or – " with another shudder, "Davy Jones, or – " another shudder, "Beckett…"

The Mary-Sues screamed even louder.

"All to yourself, right?" Jack asked.

"YES!" was the answering scream.

"But if so many of you want me, or Will, or whoever, all to yourself, how are you going to do it?"

Dead silence fell over the Sues.

Then it erupted into screams.

Jack clearly heard "JACK IS MINE!" and "WILL BELONGS TO ME!" and "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HIM!"

And the next second all the Sues were fighting.

"Run!" Jack yelled to Will, Elizabeth, Norrington, Gibbs, and Ana Maria.

They bolted. And didn't stop until they reached the _Pearl_.

"Cast off!" Jack screamed.

Then they all sat down on the steps, out of breath and laughing.

"We got them!" Elizabeth gasped.

Everyone agreed.

No one did any work the next day, they just celebrated the defeat of the Mary-Sues. All the rum was consumed and so was most of the food. Jack sighed with happiness. No more Sues... It sounded too good to be true. It was.

**No, this is not the end! Please review! I'll give you imaginary rum!**


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